


Ima demo nokoru ano kimi no kaori (Your scent remains even now)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Arguing, Break Up, Fear, Immaturity, Jealousy, M/M, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 14:16:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15842994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Rationally, he knew it made no sense at all; he often thought he was the one who had to protect Yuya, but basking in the idea that the elder worried about him was pleasant.





	Ima demo nokoru ano kimi no kaori (Your scent remains even now)

 

Lately, it happened often for Yuri to look around, searching for signs of the fact that what surrounded him wasn’t reality, but just a projection of his mind.

But he was really there.

He was lying in bed, next to Yuya. He couldn’t stop staring at him.

He was where he had always wanted to be, he had desired that for so long that now it didn’t feel real.

He crawled on the bed, getting closer to him and resting his chin on the elder’s chest.

Yuya smiled to him, lazily brushing his fingers through  his hair.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked, his voice relaxed, closing his eyes and letting Takaki caress him.

“Nothing special. I'm just... relaxed.”

They kept still for a while, then Yuya leant toward the nightstand, grabbing a packet of cigarettes and taking out one.

He lit it up, under Chinen’s hypnotized stare.

“Give me one.” he asked then, more an order than a request.

Takaki shook his head, putting the packet back down and taking a deep hit off the cigarette.

“You’re too young to smoke, Yu.” he pointed out, then he teasingly blew the smoke toward him.

The younger arched an eyebrow.

“I'm too young to smoke but I'm not to sleep with you?” he asked, with a half-smile which grew wider when he saw Yuya blush.

“Don’t joke, Yuri. You know I'm not at ease with...” he paused, and blushed even harder.

“With sleeping with me?” the younger repeated, finishing his sentence.

Takaki sighed deeply, taking another hit off the cigarette.

“Precisely.” he confirmed, without looking him in the eyes anymore.

Chinen bit his lip, thoughtful.

He knew he wasn’t at ease.

He knew it hadn't been easy on him learning to live with the thought that there could be something more between them, he knew all the doubts which had crossed his mind, and he did because Yuya had ranted about those times and times again before finally caving.

Yuri had been stubborn, and he had torn all the walls down.

He had told him he wasn’t the kid he had met years before anymore, that he couldn’t know how it was going to be if he wasn’t going to try.

He had told Yuya he loved him, and that had been the heaviest admission he had ever had to make.

He wasn’t one to do stuff like that, to bare himself this way with someone else, no matter who.

Yuri had always been proud, but he wanted to prove to Yuya that he was willing to set that aside if it meant being able to have him.

And there the elder had caved.

There he had decided he wanted to try, there they had started their relationship, and Chinen had seen what had been a mere fantasy become true.

And after all he had been through, he really wasn’t dying to get back on the subject.

He shrugged those thoughts off, leaning toward Yuya and taking the cigarette from his lips, taking a quit hit before the elder could tear it away from him.

“Please, Yu... just think about Ryutaro. I don’t want you to get addicted to it. Give me some peace of mind.” he whined. He seemed to think about it while Yuri looked at him with a smirk, then he sighed and grabbed the ashtray, crushing the cigarette on it. “Happy now?” he asked then, annoyed.

Chinen smiled, laying down on top of him, his face in the crook of his neck.

He liked the feeling.

He felt protected, somehow.

Rationally, he knew it made no sense at all; he often thought he was the one who had to protect Yuya, but basking in the idea that the elder worried about him was pleasant.

“You can smoke all you want, Yuuyan. If I were to get addicted to it, it wouldn’t depend on your habits, would it?” he said.

By the corner of his eye he saw Takaki throw an exasperated glance at him, then he paused briefly before lighting up another cigarette.

“With you around, it’s hard to avoid smoking.” he mocked him, flicking his temple.

Chinen chuckled and closed his eyes, without replying.

He kept still, focusing.

He focused on the sound of Yuya’s breath. On the naked skin under his own. On the acrid scent of the smoke around him, drenching everything inside the room.

Yuri felt it deep under his skin, blending with Yuya’s scent.

That was what he liked to smell when he came back home, when they couldn’t be together, when they were apart.

Whether it was real or not, having that smell on him was something he adored.

 

~

 

“Yuri, please... can you calm down?”

Chinen looked at Yuya, haughty.

He was sitting on the couch in the elder’s living room, his legs crossed and looking like he could've killed someone any moment now.

They had fought the whole ride back from the location where they had filmed the Hitomi no Screen’s PV.

The younger brought his hands to his head, massaging it in slow circular motions, trying to soothe the migraine and failing miserably.

He was nervous.

He had always known the relationship Yuya had with Yabu was peculiar. He knew they loved each other, and he knew that Takaki wasn’t one to shy away from physical contact.

But he couldn’t overlook it.

During all those years he had always bit his tongue and tried not to think about it, but since he had gained the right to complain about it, he didn’t let any detail go unnoticed.

It wasn’t the first time they fought over something like that. Nor the second or the third.

He had lost count.

“Calm down? I'm perfectly calm. I just pointed out Yabu is _always_ around you. He’s there, ready to put his hands on you with no good reason at all. Always hugging you, looking at you like that. I hate it and you know it.” he said, trying to keep his voice in check.

Yuya got close to him, sitting on the floor in front of him and putting his hands on his knees, looking straight into his eyes.

“Yuri, listen to me, please. Yabu doesn’t look at me in any particular way. We’re close and we talk like anybody else. You know he’s my friend and you know that there’s absolutely _nothing_ between us.” he paused, sighing. “You do know that, right?” he asked then, frowning.

Yuri turned his head, averting his eyes.

Of course he did.

He knew there was nothing to worry about. He knew that there was no malice in Yuya’s behaviour, that there was nothing more than friendship between him and Kota.

He just couldn’t, though. He couldn’t avoid thinking about it, he couldn’t prevent himself from thinking always the worst possible was going to happen.

He wished he could've shrugged, apologise and pretend nothing had happened; but words wouldn’t come out of his mouth.

“It hurts, Yuya, how can you not see it? I know Yabu is Yabu, but... it’s seeing you with someone else which hurts.” he looked at him again, the most disappointed face he could manage.

It wasn’t fair for him to use the elder’s guilt, and he knew that; like he knew he was capable of leading Yuya whenever he wanted to, and that it wasn’t right to do so.

But he was scared and he just couldn’t help it.

He hadn't waited years for this just to stay and watch his life go in a whole other direction.

Kota could've been a threat or not, but Yuri had always been the cautious one, and he wasn’t going to wait to find out.

Takaki bit his lip, then he nodded briefly and stood up, sitting next to him and bringing an arm around his waist, pulling him close.

“That’s okay, Yu. I'm sorry if I've hurt you, somehow. You know I didn’t mean to, I _never_ mean to hurt you.” he said, then he hesitated. “I’ll try to mind the way I act with him, if it makes you feel better.” he added then, and Chinen noticed the sadness in his voice, but he chose to ignore it.

It was going to pass, he was sure of it.

Yuya had him, and all Yuri wanted was to make him happy, without him needing anyone else to fill needs he couldn’t satisfy.

Chinen wanted Yuya to smile. And to smile with him only.

That night he slept over; when they got to bed he got close to him, acting quite lewdly, starting to kiss under his neck, softly brushing the skin of his hips, just to have the elder push him away.

“I'm sorry, Yu. I don’t really feel like it, tonight.” he murmured, then he half-smiled to him and turned to face the other way. 

Yuri didn’t let it bother him.

Without paying too much attention to it, he laid down, hugging the pillow and closing his eyes.

A long while later, he was still awake.

He wanted to turn toward Yuya to check if he was sleeping; right then, though, he heard the lighter’s sound.

He kept still.

He wondered what was keeping him up, since the elder had the capability of falling asleep the very second his head touched the pillow.

He wondered what was going through his mind, if he was upset, if he was the cause.

And then he suddenly felt tired.

Of thinking, of mulling over stuff, of making up problems that didn’t exist.

He fell asleep then, drenched in the sharp scent of the smoke brushing his skin.

 

~

 

It had been weeks since they had fought over Yabu.

Chinen had to give it to him, Yuya had considerably reduced his contacts with the elder.

Yuri kept telling himself he should've been happy about it, but there was something in Yuya’s attitude which prevented him from feeling at ease.

During the past few days, he looked different.

He got easily irritated, he talked back to him, he got mad over nothing and even when they didn’t argue he wallowed around, unwilling to do something, no matter how much the younger insisted.

He was changed, and Chinen didn’t like his behaviour at all, not when he was used to always have it his way.

It happened too often now to spend whole days at Yuya’s place without actually be with him.

And, even when they were together, the elder was distant, thoughtful, and Yuri didn’t understand why.

Nor he wanted to know. He was tired too.

Every argument, serious or not, left a mark, it exhausted him.

Yuri had tried to ignore it for too long, waiting for it to go away on its own, but time had only made it worse.

It had taken them years to get from friends to lovers, and a few months to get from lovers to strangers.

Yuri wanted to cry without an actual reason, and he never did.

That night, he was at Yuya’s again.

They were sitting on the couch, watching a movie; he had laid his head on the elder’s lap, without focusing on the screen, but waiting for the other to caress his hair, to touch him, to do anything to acknowledge his presence.

It didn’t happen.

He heard him light up a cigarette, but right now the smell that used to soothe him was disgusting him.

They weren’t even at half the movie; Yuri got up, looking exasperated.

“Do something, please.” he said, his voice loud enough to cover the TV.

Yuya looked confused; he grabbed the remote, pausing the movie and looking at him.

“What does that mean?” he asked, that apathetic voice he used lately.

“I want you to do something. Anything. Tell me what’s going through your mind, what’s wrong, why you always look like you don’t want to do anything whenever I'm around.” he said, crossing his arms and starting to torture his skin with his fingernails to fight the nervousness.

He saw Yuya bringing his hands to his face, brushing it.

“I can't take it anymore, Yuri. Don’t tell me you don’t know what’s wrong, because you’re the smart one. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of always having to justify what I do, tired of the fact that you never seem to be happy.” his voice was firm, and Chinen shivered for how the elder seemed to be in control.

“How can I know it, when you don’t talk to me?” he asked, unable to prove himself as calm as him.

“Does that mean this is fine for you? That you’re fine with things going down this way, Yuri?” Yuya asked, his eyes wide open. “The truth is you refuse to admit it’s _us_ having a problem, so you’d rather think the issue’s all mine.” he said. Then he stood up, getting close to him. “I’ve tried, really. I've tried to indulge you, to make you happy. But that’s not fair. I don’t always have to be the one meeting your needs, I wish you’d do the same. I don’t know what you were thinking when we’ve gotten together, but being in a relationship it’s not like being friends. I can't always be the one to compromise when you never do that for me. It didn’t matter before, because I'm older, because I didn’t care about what you said or did to me, because the only thing that mattered was to put a smile on your face.” he stopped to take a deep breath. “Now is different. Now we should be on the same boat, and we’re not. I'm not a parent who’s there to spoil his child. I'm your boyfriend, and I think I deserve more than this. But you...” he bit his tongue, and Chinen finally saw him cave to sadness. “You can't, Yuri. And perhaps I was wrong thinking we could be together.” he said, lowering his eyes.

Chinen didn’t.

He kept staring at him for what felt like an eternity.

He waited for him to say it was a joke.

That he got closer, hugged him, told him everything was going to be alright, that he shouldn’t worry.

That he was going to protect him, because for the first time in his life Yuri actually needed that.

But Yuya didn’t do any of that.

He kept quiet, and Yuri realized nothing was going to change, that he couldn’t take back what he had said, nor he wanted to.

“Are you saying it’s over?” he asked, his voice feeble.

Yuya nodded, unable to add anything else.

Chinen backed off, slowly. He felt his hands shiver and his eyes wet.

But still, he didn’t allow himself to cry.

Without saying another word, he walked toward the door.

He got out of that apartment, his mind flooded.

He didn’t know what had happened, he didn’t know what he was going to do now, he didn’t even know where he was going.

He just knew his dream was over.

Something in his mind tried to tell him it hadn't been a dream in a while, but he refused to believe it.

He loved Yuya.

He always had, so much that he had often thought he could've lived off of him and be happy.

He loved him so much that the fear of having him slip off his fingers had become too hard, it had overwhelmed him, and had prevented him from actually being happy with him.

He loved him, and that loved had stabbed him in the back, proving to him that he could feel it, but not show it.

Now, there was nothing left to show.

There was nothing left of Yuya for him.

Just the smell of smoke clinging to his skin.


End file.
